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September 7, 2012
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Following the fight outside of Green Hill Zone, Silver and SoNic decided to rethink their course of action and take a much needed break.

Taking temporary refuge from the heat of the mid-August sun, Silver and SoNic were sitting beneath the overhang of the 7-Eleven with Big Gulps in hand, plotting out their next move against the campaign of the evil Dr. Robotnik.

SoNic leaned back against the wall, took a long sip of his fountain drink, and muttered "Man, I hate that Dr. Robotnik! He exemplifies all that is wrong with technological progress! Why can't he be more like my creator, Dr. Light?"

"It's this gosh-darned economy," Silver replied. "It's turning this whole country into H-E-double-hockey-sticks, so no good-hearted scientists can-"

"I'm sorry, what?" SoNic interrupted. "Hockey sticks? What did you just say?"

"Oh, it means-"

"No, really, because I'm almost more than one-hundred percent certain that was just the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Would you like to try again?" SoNic asked.

"I-"

"Because if I were you I wouldn't want to try again. I'd just quit while I was ahead, and you aren't ahead, be you wary, but I just figure that you're not so far behind that you can't pretend. That was just terrible."

Tears started to well up in Silver's eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Silver. I guess I made the mistake of thinking I was hanging out with a hedgehog dedicated to saving the future, not babysitting a little wimp. Go ahead, cry. If you're a baby, then that's cool. I just wish someone had told me babysitting was what I'd be doing today, because that's what I'm doing, right? I'm babysitting a little toddler."

After several times blinking and wiping his eyes while looking the other way, Silver managed to hold back the tears.

"That's better," SoNic said. "Now, I... What's wrong now?"

"Isn't that Barack Obama?" Silver asked, pointing to a guy fueling his Geo.

"Hey, I think it is!" exclaimed SoNic. "Wow, that's awesome. I never thought I'd be in the same parking lot as the president!"

They watched as Barack Obama finished pumping his gas, then put the cap back on his fuel tank. Barack Obama looked up at the hot sun, wiped the sweat off of his forehead with the back of his hand, and said aloud "Boy, it sure is a scorcher today! Think I'll go get a Big Gulp."

Barack Obama walked inside, so SoNic and Silver followed. While Barack Obama filled up his Big Gulp, they watched from afar. They didn't want to make it look like they were following him, so they grabbed some random chips off the shelf.

Unfortunately, trouble was brewing. When Barack Obama walked to the counter to pay, a robber walked into the store. He was wearing a black ski mask, a shirt with alternating black and white horizontal stripes beneath a black jacket, and black jeans. He was also holding a big, empty potato sack with an ampersand on it.

"Give me all the money!" the robber yelled.

"I can't!" the cashier pleaded. "The economy is doing too poorly; there's none in the register!"

"The economy?" the robber repeated. "Well, whose fault is that?"

"That depends on your political affiliation," replied the cashier.

"I'm a conservative republican," said the robber.

"Then it's his fault," explained the cashier, pointing at Barack Obama, who hadn't really been paying attention. The robber pointed the gun at Barack Obama.

"Now you'll pay," the criminal yelled, but SoNic Cage came to the rescue! When the robber tried to pull the trigger, he found the gun was not even in his hand anymore! SoNic had removed it in the blink of an eye with his blazing fast speed.

"What the-? A g-g-ghost?" stuttered the robber, who proceeded to run away screaming. No one saw any reason to chase him. Silver picked up the gun to ensure no children could get to it, then disposed of it safely in a trash can.

"Oh, thanks, I guess," said Barack Obama, flipping through an Archie comic.

"Not a problem, Mr. President!" replied SoNIc. "Just doing my duty as a citizen."

"Huh? Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah. That's uh, really great of you," said Barack Obama with his gaze averted downward to fiddle with his wedding ring. "Hey, why don't you let me, um, reward you?"

"A reward isn't necessary, Mr. Obama. Anyone in my shoes would have done it, too, if they had super speed."

"No," said Obama, "I really should reward you. Here. Here. Let me buy those chips for you. What are these? Funyuns? Yes, cashier, you can add these 'Funyuns' onto my Big Gulp purchase."

"Okay, that'll be $2.57."

Barack Obama turned to SoNic.

"This is a little embarrassing," he said timidly, "but I don't have any cash on me. I don't suppose I could bum three bucks off of you?"

"Why don't you have any money?" Silver questioned as SoNic forked over the cash..

"It's this economy," mumbled Obama as he played with his tie. "It's got me just as bad as anyone else. I spent nearly my entire $200,000 annual salary on League of Legends skins and since then, I've been eating ramen and water, waiting for my next paycheck to come in."

"But I thought everyone was saying the economy is your fault," SoNic said.

"Well, it's really multiple factors," muttered Obama. "The biggest is issue is really this Dr. Robuttpick or whatever his name is. He, uh... uh... I'm sorry, what was I saying?"

"Um, about how the economy is Dr. Robotnik's fault," answered SoNic.

"Yeah, that was it! Well, this Rubutnuk guy has apparently created what he calls a 'Cruel Peso Device', which he's putting our American dollars into constantly, converting them into Mexican pesos and thereby lowering the worth of our economy while helping illegal immigrants steal jobs from us by receiving their own currency right here on American soil."

"My god! I had no idea!" yelled SoNic.

"That's because I just made it up," said Obama, casually pushing SoNic's three dollars into his pocket.

"Well, regardless, we have to stop him. Together, I think we can do it," proposed SoNic.

"That sounds like a great idea," agreed Obama. "We'll go do it together without me. Anyways, I've got to get going. Can you guys pay for this?"

With that, he walked out the door with the Big Gulp and the Funyuns. After handing over the money to the cashier, SoNic and Silver decided to head to Dr. Robotnik's Secret Lair, Dub Edition. There, they intended to destroy the Cruel Peso Device and save the economy.

They pulled into the parking lot, and tried to find a space near the middle, so as not to act conspicuous. Luckily, there was a perfect one, and so SoNic parked his Festiva there, making sure not to lock the door as they got out (so as to escape quicker once they destroyed the enemy's device).

Slowly, carefully, they approached the front door.

"SoNic Cage, I've been waiting for you!"

They whirled around mere feet from the entrance, and there was Dr. Robotnik with about a dozen armed guards and Barack Obama at his side.

"President Obama? You've sided with Dr. Robotnik? How could you?" asked Silver.

"I dunno," said Obama glumly as he looked down, not bothering to take his hands of his pockets. "I felt like it, I guess."

"Oh, but that's not all, SoNic and Silver," said Dr. Robotnik. "I have more allies than you'd think in my quest to destroy the economy. Mitt, come out here!"

"Wassup, niggas?" said Mitt Romney, emerging from the bushes wearing a Necro t-shirt.

"Mitt Romney, too? But why?"

"Don't you get it, SoNic?" taunted Dr. Robotnik. "There is no Democratic or Republican party! These are just illusions used to control the weak-minded. Any given person will believe that, when presented with two choices, one is inherently evil and the other inherently good!

"Many years ago, near the end of President Filmore's term in office, my ancestors formed a single party disguised as two which were greatly hostile towards each other. This was the Republicrat Party. It was so easy! Everyone instantly formed an opinion about one or the other being the 'good guys', and no one's ever bothered to vote for any other party since! You saps!"

Robotnik let out an evil laugh.

"Well you've blundered in telling me your plan then, Eggman," boasted SoNic. "I'm going to get the word out and get someone from a third party elected."

"You don't have a chance, SoNic. All these years, you've thought yourself so great for beating me in physical confrontation time and time again, but even you lack what it takes to convince the entire United States population to drop their egotistical beliefs on politics."

"Maybe not," replied SoNic Cage, "but I do have what it takes to run so fast that I make the world spin the other way, allowing me to go back in time and stop your ancestors from ever forming the Republicrat Party."

"What?" shouted Robotnik. "No! You wou-"

But SoNic was already gone, zooming around the world at twice the speed of light. The open plains of MidAmerica swept by him; the Congo, Nile, and Mississippi Rivers blazed by in a flash of light; the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans alternated across his gaze fourteen times a second; and the noble people of Laos zipped by below. The planet's rapid spin slowed against the force of his movement, stopped, and eventually turned the other way.

Volcanoes erupted, tidal waves flooded nearly every coastal city, oxygen was sucked clean out of deep ravines and valleys, and earthquakes devoured many major cities whole.

As the force of Sonic's speed spun the planet more rapidly, many people even on flatlands began to suffocate as the force of the spin pulled air higher into the atmosphere, where in more mountainous regions tornadoes devastated the landscape. Cold regions were destroyed by impossibly strong blizzards, and warm deserts conjured sandstorms that choked inhabitants to death.

Still, SoNic kept going faster and faster, determined to go back far enough in time. The Earth was spinning backwards at more than ten times the rate it could spin forwards now, but he still knew this would not be enough to go back nearly 150 years. He cranked up the speed more!

Even those in moderate conditions now became meat pancakes in their own homes, as the spin of the world crushed them against the walls and the ground. Those less lucky were outside or had their houses ripped from the ground, flinging them off into outer space to explode. Trees were removed from their roots; animals were torn to shreds, and the geographic layout became a sick, twisted remnant of its old self.

The transcendent Myrjloryth, who had forged the universe in the days of primal wakening, stirred in his infinite slumber, slightly aware that every man, woman, child, plant, and animal on Earth had died.

When SoNic Cage landed back on the surface, he was shocked to see how far back in time he had gone. The world was nothing as he remembered it. It was a barren land of chaos, as volcanoes burst from the ground at random, sending black smoke into a sky perpetually filled with storms.

In a way, he was horrified by this time period, but he knew he had done the right thing.

"In going this far back in time, I've saved the economy," he reminded himself. And with that, he went off to search for a place to build his seat of power in this strange, foreign world. One day, he would go on to become a king by his own hand, but that is a story for another day.
The economy is in a real jam, and it's going to take some of the world's best minds to get us out of this mess. Luckily, President Barack Obama has SoNic Cage on the job. Get ready for the solution we've all been waiting for.
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:iconsoniceffect:
SonicEffect Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

I feel so enlightened after reading this. Why hasn't any political candidate thought of it before? Someone make SoNic Cage the president!

Reply
:iconinfernaldalek:
InfernalDalek Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013
"I spent nearly my entire $200,000 annual salary on League of Legends skins and since then, I've been eating ramen and water, waiting for my next paycheck to come in." Obama, you have a problem.
Reply
:iconneondarknessda:
NeonDarknessDA Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
I came across this amazing series after a friend sent me a link. After reading all 8 parts so far at one time... I still have no idea what's going on. But please, keep doing it.

Also, that goddamn picture brings tears to my eyes every single time I see it.

Oh SoNic... your intellect and kindness is a shining beacon of hope and a shining bacon of sauce to all who are in dire circumstances. I wish I could rub your face and stroke your spines against me.
Reply
:icongerlint:
Gerlint Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012
What a wonderful story... so deep...
Reply
:iconneppyneptune:
NeppyNeptune Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
XD this is really clever!
Reply
:iconprincesssallyspride:
PrincessSallysPride Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Hmm.
Reply
:iconurto:
Urto Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
I can understand your inability to grasp the brevity of SoNic Cage's meaning. It is, after all, the Finnegans Wake of fanfics.
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:iconprincesssallyspride:
PrincessSallysPride Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Ok.
Reply
:iconurto:
Urto Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012
Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Reply
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